I called him because something came up and I didn’t know how to handle it.
And for ten minutes he was there and in that ten minutes I wondered, “what if?”
The way I always wondered, “What if?”
Because that’s love isn’t it?
When you love someone, you love them with all of you and when you let go, you only let go piece by piece. But a piece of them remains inside of you. That piece stays with you, lingering on, always making you wonder, “what if?”
As if love could’ve taken you places you had no idea about. As if, if you’d tried a little harder, love would’ve taken you a little farther.
But today, I realized, that little piece of him that still remains was wrong.
Because I called him a second time to tell him, “You were right. I had nothing to worry about.”
“That’s great.” He responded.
“Yeah my new boyfriend is really great.” I told him.
“So what’s going on?” I asked him because he told me in our previous conversation that he was going through serious depression and anxiety.
“I’m actually in the middle of eating and I’d like to finish my food.” He said.
Not adding I’ll call you back. Or anything in between.
And it was in that one moment that I realized that there are somethings better left as is. We broke up for a reason and the man I have in my life came for a reason. The one I walked away from, I walked away from for a reason.
All the reasons why I left came back. All the times I wanted to stay, all the times I was too much work. All the times I cried and cared. All the times I cared too much and in that one moment I knew I made the right decision.
Because never once did this new man say, “I’m too busy for you.”
It’s always, “You can call me at any time. Even if it’s at three in the morning.”
Or, “I truly believe you’re the one for me. So it’s okay, whatever it is, we’ll work through it.”
It didn’t matter if he was eating. “Are you eating?” I’d ask him.
“Yeah.” He’d respond.
“Do you want me to let you go?” I’d ask him.
“No. You’re good.”
Late night phone calls because he can’t fall asleep until he hears my voice. Early morning phone calls because he likes waking up to my voice.
Both just patiently waiting until the moment comes when we can say, “I do.” Knowing it’s too soon.
For a spilt second I thought, “what if?” But then he said, “I’m busy.”
Realizing once again how even after all that was said and done I was still the one doing the chasing. Chasing for a relationship. Chasing for a friendship. Chasing to be there because divorce hit and depression tore him apart when I walked out the door.
But who was I to try anymore? I had to leave him at the door where I left every part of me that I gave away to him.
And give everything new to this man had walked into my life. Knowing that this is the scariest thing I’ll ever do because I’m not used to being pursued. But something about this just feels right.
Because he says, “You’re the one. I want to make you my wife.”