My eyes have no tears left to cry for all that I’ve been through. I’m not sad.
Some days I wonder, “What’s the point of going on?”
And then I think if I don’t have hope for tomorrow then what do I have hope for.
So I wake up each day, moving along to the motions of the moments. Breathing the air. Inhaling the scents to keep my heart beating because it’s the only thing that keeps me going.
My friend asked me today, “list three things about him that annoy you.”
I could only think of one.
Sometimes I don’t like the way he breathes before he laughs.
So I asked him the same thing.
“List three things that annoy you about me?”
Hoping he’d say the same thing. Because in my eyes he could do no wrong.
But perfect wasn’t me.
He listed his three.
1. How I break up with him once every other week.
2. How I don’t always speak my mind.
3. How I say things I don’t mean to push him away.
And it hurt.
But that’s what it means to love a woman like me.
One who’s been abused in her past, one who’s been in a controlling relationship, and one who is divorced.
It’s hard for me to love.
Every time I come close, I question where I stand. I look back and I wonder if it’ll take me back to where I once was.
The needy and dependent woman who couldn’t make it on her own.
And I scream inside. Cry. Lay on the ground and cry but shut down on the outside. And say it’s over.
Because, “It’s over,” is all I know how to say.
And I’m not sure where to go when the going gets rough.
I’m not used to people staying.
I’m not used to things working out.
And I’m not used to being good enough for someone else to love.
So I hold my head up high and pretend like no one else in the world matters.
Because deep down maybe they can’t in order for me to go on. Maybe they can’t.